Second Presidential Debate Summary: Obama Strikes Back! (Parody): Once Again, SNL Loses

White House photo: Pete Souza

CANDY CROWLEY, MODERATOR: Good evening from Hofstra University in Hempstead, New York. I’m Candy Crowley from CNN’s “State of the Union.” We are here for the second presidential debate, a town hall, sponsored by the Commission on Presidential Debates.

For tonight’s debate, we will hear questions from people identified by the Gallup organization as undecided voters.  These are people that despite a never-ending barrage of commercials, mailers, radio ads, telephone calls, political polls, speeches by political relatives, talk show appearances by political celebrities, bribes, union/corporate coercion, and Internet ads, have been unable to make up their mind, either due to acute ambivalence, or general stupidity.  Also, many in our audience simply lied to Gallup so that they could ask a question on TV and seem smart to their friends at work.

Tonight’s rules will be somewhat different than the last debate.  We will start out with a question from one of the undecided voters in our audience.  After the question, each candidate will have two minutes to respond.  Then I will throw it back to President Obama for an additional few minutes because he basically pooped his pants during the last debate and we would really like a close election for ratings.   After that time, I will allow Governor Romney to respond until I have had enough, at which time I will tell him that he is wrong and move on to the next question.   Also, by the rules agreed to today, if President Obama manages to remain conscious throughout the debate and not swallow any bugs during the proceedings, we will declare him the winner. Are we clear gentleman?

Pres. Obama:  Yes sounds good.

Gov. Romney:  Ms. Crowley, how do you spell your last name?  It’s for a binder that I have been keeping for the last few years.

Moderator Crowley: And I want to turn to a first-time voter, Jeremy Miller, who has a question for you.

QUESTION: Mr. President, Governor Romney, as a 20-year-old college student, all I hear from professors, neighbors and others is that when I graduate, I will have little chance to get employment. What can you say to reassure me, but more importantly my parents, that I will be able to sufficiently support myself after I graduate?

Gov. Romney:  Thank you Jeremy for that insightful softball of a question that I can use to bash Obama for two minutes with.  Jeremy, as you know, your future is bleak.  I’m going to say it like it is.  Thanks to President Obama, once you receive your degree, you will likely be looking at a choice of job prospects of working as an assistant to one of President Obama’s unelected death panels, or joining a carnival to clean up after the elephants – and that’s assuming that you did really well in college.  If you didn’t, well you should just move back in with your parents right now.

You see Jeremy, the middle class is getting crushed thanks to President Obama.  He is rounding up the middle class and he is crushing them.  Just throwing them into industrial sized food compactors and crushing them.  He and his liberal friends are then serving the byproduct in beatnik juice bars in San Francisco.

President Obama:  Candy, I’ve got to jump in here.  This is a totally unfair portrayal of what is happening.  Crushed Middle Class isn’t a San Francisco juice drink, it’s being served throughout the nation!  It’s a hugely successful business creating good American jobs.  That’s right Romney, American jobs!   And we simultaneously deal with the unemployment problem among the middle class by crushing those selected by my death panels and redistributing their jobs to others.  You could say that Crushed Middle Class isn’t just a drink, it’s a jobs plan … and it’s good for you.  In fact, when I get home, the first thing I do is curl up with my fake birth certificate and crack open a bottle of Crushed Middle Class.  Packed full of the delicious taste of lost hopes and dreams, nothing helps me unwind after a long day of apologizing for America that Crushed Middle Class.  Crushed Middle Class, now with the refreshing taste of disappointment.

Gov. Romney:   Candy, this is my time.  He can’t interrupt it with a commercial for his cannibal juice drink!

Moderator Crowley:  Actually, I’m going to let him because Crushed Middle Class really is delicious.

Gov. Romney:  Just let me finish!  Jeremy, I can tell you are a bright young man, and I bet you can tell that I am a shameless panderer.  So I am going to offer you a job!!!  By the way, have you ever been to India?

Moderator Crowley:  President Obama.

President Obama:  Thank you Candy.  And thank you Jeremy for such an insightful question.  Jeremy, first of all, I can tell that your future is bright.   By the way, what are you majoring in?

Jeremy:  Exercise science Mr. President.  (His real major)

Pres. Obama:  What the #$@@ is that?   Do you study running gerbils under a microscope?

Jeremy:  No, it’s not like that at all.  I can be an exercise specialist.

Pres. Obama:  Hmmm.  I … seeee. Sounds … promising…   Do you have any other degrees or training?

Jeremy:  Nope, that’s really it.

Pres. Obama:  And that’s an actual four-year degree?  You paid for four years of college for that degree?  I’m going to level with you Jeremy, in the economy that I have built, you will be doing well to be able to afford a refrigerator box to live in with that degree.   On the plus side, you may not have gerbils that you can study running, but there will be plenty of rats.

Gov. Romney:  Um Moderator Crowley, can I rescind my job offer now, or do I need to wait until after the debate?  I kind of shot first and asked questions later on that one.

Moderator Crowley:  We need to move on.   Our next question is from Marry from Queens.

Question: President Obama, what would you do to get the economy moving for the next four years?

Pres. Obama.  I’m glad you asked that question.  Nothing.  But I tell you what I won’t do, I won’t be a rich #$#hole like Governor Romney.    Please America; don’t make me lose to this guy!  It would be reallllly embarrassing.  Seriously, everybody hates him!  Even McCain privately calls me to complain about him and feed me secretly recorded videos.  Speaking of distractions, here is another shiny thing to distract the feeble minded voter.  Where are Mr. Romney’s tax returns?   Why haven’t we seen them?  What’s he hiding?  My friend Harry Reid says that he wont release them because they reveal that his charitable donations were actually a front for his investment in a factory that turns Golden Retriever puppies into adhesive for luxury cars.   By the way, do we really want a President that has been a success in business?  NO.  We want someone like me!   Until I was elected President I wasn’t successful at anything.  I understand your problems in a way that Romney never could.  #@$, I created some of your problems!

Moderator Crowley:  Governor Romney.  Response?

Gov. Romney:  Candy, President Obama keeps staring at me with this weird blank stare, craning his next and smiling.  Can you make him stop?  It’s really creeping me out.

President Obama:  My debate coach taught me that one.  After last debate when I just stared down at my podium, he said, just look at President Romney.  Even if you have to imagine that you are looking at the video of Obama Girl.  For heaven’s sake just don’t look down at the podium.

Moderator Crowley:  Move it along.

Gov. Romney: 

Candy, when I was young, I said to myself, I said,
“I Willard Mittens Romney” am going to be successful!  And I don’t care how many effeminate men’s hair I have to cut against their will or how much of my father’s money I have to spend.  I will be somebody.”   And now I am somebody.  I just don’t know who that somebody is.  That’s the excitement of it all!  What are my opinions America?  No one knows!  Am I pro choice?  Pro life?  Not really sure are you?  Will I raise your taxes?  Maybe, maybe not.

Moderator Crowley:  We need to move on.  Now to another undecided voter, Harry from Nevada.   What is your question?

Harry:   As an undecided voter, I have been told by an anonymous person with knowledge of the situation that you have a diamond encrusted tattoo of a dollar sign on your left buttocks.  Why?

Gov. Romney:  Candy.  This is unfair!  Who screened these questioners?   This is Harry Reid, the senate majority leader!

Pres. Obama:  Governor Romney, don’t sidestep the question!

Gov. Romney:   This is ridiculous!   I don’t have a tattoo like that!

Pres. Obama:  Prove it!

Gov. Romney: What?  I’m not ….  I’m not going to show you my @#@.    This is outrageous!

Pres. Obama:  Governor Romney.  Harry Reid has made an unsubstantiated charge with absolutely no proof.  Don’t you think that you owe it to Americans to show them whether it’s true or not.  It would only take a few seconds to disprove?  What are you hiding?

Gov. Romney:  What?  …. I’m not showing my @#@@ on national T.V.  This is crazy!  Candy, jump in and stop this.

Moderator Crowley:   Actually, I happened to peak in on you while you were dressing for the debate.  It’s true America! He has a diamond-encrusted tattoo of a dollar sign on his butt.  But in fairness to Mr. Romney, it is very classy and on his right buttocks and not his left.

Moderator Crowley: Don’t go away, though – right. Don’t go away because

I – I want you to talk to Kerry Ladka who wants to switch the topic

for us.

Pres. Obama: OK.

(in high sweet voice) Hi, Kerry.

Question: Good evening, Mr. President. (Low manly voice)

Pres. Obama: I’m sorry. What’s your name?

Question: Kerry Ladka.  (Low manly voice still by obvious old man).

Pres. Obama:   No @#$@.  You’re name is really Kerry?   Your parents named you that?

Question:   Yes.  What?  Why do you ask?

Pres. Obama:  No. .. No reason.   Just, seems kind of like a chick’s name, that’s all.  What’s your question Pricilla?

Question:  My question is on Libya.  Your administration’s response seemed pretty slow to this crisis?  Do you have any regrets?

Pres. Obama:  Do I have any regrets?   Sure.  I regret calling on a guy with a girl’s name to ask a question.  That’s one regret.  No I don’t have any regrets.  We did the best with the information we had at the time.  When someone shows up at a U.S. embassy with rocket launchers and grenades on September 11th,  the first thing anyone would look at as a reason for the attack is a spontaneous protest concerning an obscure that has been on YouTube for the last six months?  How were we to know?  But that same day, we called it terrorism.   Then five days later, I sent my U.N. ambassador to all the Sunday shows, where she floated the idea that it wasn’t terrorism.  But none of you all bought that so we called it terrorism 14 days after that.

Gov. Romney:  Wait.  Candy I’ve got to jump in here.  This is ludicrous.   He is lying.  Look at the transcript.   He didn’t do a good investigation.  He didn’t call it an act of terror on the second day.

Moderator Crowley.    Actually, Governor Romney, he did call it that.   Now sit your @#@ down and listen.   (Crowley to herself:  How can he not get this?   I work for CNN.  Of course I am going to back up President Obama on this.).  Next question, this one for President Obama.

Question:  President Obama, was your decision to support gay marriage heroic or really heroic?

President Obama:  As you know, I had been evolving on this subject.  But then my idiot Vice President overdosed on teeth whitening bleach the night before going on Meet the Press and screwed up the timing of my announcement.  Nevertheless, I support gay marriage.  I think that it is the right thing to do to allow all Americans to be able to commit to the person they love in the eyes of their family and their country.

Moderator Crowley:  Gov. Romney. 

Gov. Romney:  Candy, I oppose gay marriage and I strongly favor traditional marriage.   If there is one thing that we Mormons know about it’s traditional marriage.   A traditional marriage between one man and as many women as can fit in one of my binders is what this country was built on. (Author’s note, as a Mormon, I claim the principal of joke telling immunity as announced in Seinfeld episode “YADA YADA”).

Moderator Crowley:  Shut up Romney.  Next question.

Question:   President Obama, if elected president, would Romney really cut off funding for Planned Parenthood.

Pres. Obama:  The answer is yes.   As Harry Reid told me yesterday, Romney doesn’t care about Planned Parenthood because he has it on good authority that Romney is impotent.

Gov Romney:  That’s a lie!

Pres. Obama:  Really?  Prove it?

Gov. Romney:  What are you talking about?  I have 5 boys.

Pres. Obama:  Yeah, and the last one was born 31 years ago!

Moderator Crowley:  President Obama is right.  Your last son is 31 years old know.   Why don’t you have younger kids if it isn’t because you’re impotent?

Gov. Romney:  That’s it!  I am leaving.  Stupid forty-seven percent free loaders.   Where’s my binder?   Let’s see, Crowley…..Total #@$@@.